Depression
My depression is a bit of an interesting one because, in recent years, I've successfully tamed it and have been keeping it under control. I remember being 11 years-old in the times when it used to run riot, crying over the wikiHow page on how to make friends - a story I find hilarious but seems to depress everyone else I tell it to. But, every now and again, my depression manages to chew through the bars and take ahold of me again, sending me back into the past and making me feel like I've reverted to a weaker version of myself.
Yesterday, I went to a party. I moved my shift at work around and everything so I could attend, so I was quite excited that I was putting in the effort not to sacrifice my social life for my shitty job. It was a good little gathering of people I knew and we played board games because we're that sort of group.
I'm quite embarrassed to say what caused the night to go downhill for me because it involves a rather undesirable quality of mine, that's why I'm starting a blog to write about it rather than shouting about it on Twitter. I believe I have somewhat of a superiority complex, something I've always known, but after last night I realised it's different when it pertains to a certain friend of mine.
We'll call this friend 'Jake', just to be on the safe side. I've known Jake for years and both of us have experienced anxiety, depression and been very young for our ages. However, I always took a very narcissistic sense of pride in the fact that I was a bit more grown-up and a bit less controlled by my mental illness. That is no longer true.
This became readily apparent when I was reminded that my friend Jake has been in a relationship, shared multiple kisses with people and done weed - all things I would love to do but might be too scared to ever actually experience. This sent me into a strange depressive spiral while I was still at the party, unfortunately resulting in me ruining the night for myself and leaving at 11:30pm.
I became very quiet and avoided engaging in activities so I'm worried that people may be a bit concerned about me, which I do not want. I would really rather not concern anyone else with this nonsense, I am experiencing completely illogical emotion for a collection of ludicrous reasons and I'd rather not involve anyone else.
This is why I opted to start a blog because it felt necessary to express my feelings in a manner that wouldn't burden anyone else, as this post is unlikely to ever be seen. I hope putting these feelings into words helps me deal with this random bout of depression, but I'm afraid I will have to wait for a satisfying conclusion to this little story.
Irritatingly, I am seeing Jake again today, which is the last thing I want to do since my brain has decided to add annoyance with him to my list of irrational and unjustified emotions. I will be hanging out with him and some friends from my own separate friendship group so that I only just introduced him to so it will be really difficult to hide my current feelings. I'm gonna try though because I have an awful tendency to attention seek and, as previously mentioned, I would like to avoid dragging anyone else into this embarrassing mess.
To anyone who found this post and made it to here, thank you for reading, your interest is appreciated. Maybe I will post again with any updates on the situation, that is yet to be seen.
Yesterday, I went to a party. I moved my shift at work around and everything so I could attend, so I was quite excited that I was putting in the effort not to sacrifice my social life for my shitty job. It was a good little gathering of people I knew and we played board games because we're that sort of group.
I'm quite embarrassed to say what caused the night to go downhill for me because it involves a rather undesirable quality of mine, that's why I'm starting a blog to write about it rather than shouting about it on Twitter. I believe I have somewhat of a superiority complex, something I've always known, but after last night I realised it's different when it pertains to a certain friend of mine.
We'll call this friend 'Jake', just to be on the safe side. I've known Jake for years and both of us have experienced anxiety, depression and been very young for our ages. However, I always took a very narcissistic sense of pride in the fact that I was a bit more grown-up and a bit less controlled by my mental illness. That is no longer true.
This became readily apparent when I was reminded that my friend Jake has been in a relationship, shared multiple kisses with people and done weed - all things I would love to do but might be too scared to ever actually experience. This sent me into a strange depressive spiral while I was still at the party, unfortunately resulting in me ruining the night for myself and leaving at 11:30pm.
I became very quiet and avoided engaging in activities so I'm worried that people may be a bit concerned about me, which I do not want. I would really rather not concern anyone else with this nonsense, I am experiencing completely illogical emotion for a collection of ludicrous reasons and I'd rather not involve anyone else.
This is why I opted to start a blog because it felt necessary to express my feelings in a manner that wouldn't burden anyone else, as this post is unlikely to ever be seen. I hope putting these feelings into words helps me deal with this random bout of depression, but I'm afraid I will have to wait for a satisfying conclusion to this little story.
Irritatingly, I am seeing Jake again today, which is the last thing I want to do since my brain has decided to add annoyance with him to my list of irrational and unjustified emotions. I will be hanging out with him and some friends from my own separate friendship group so that I only just introduced him to so it will be really difficult to hide my current feelings. I'm gonna try though because I have an awful tendency to attention seek and, as previously mentioned, I would like to avoid dragging anyone else into this embarrassing mess.
To anyone who found this post and made it to here, thank you for reading, your interest is appreciated. Maybe I will post again with any updates on the situation, that is yet to be seen.
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