Post-Depression
So, an update. My depressive spell is over; it lasted about a day, stretching from that Friday night to sometime in the evening the next day. I really needed to make a mental health day out of that Saturday, but a BBQ I'd been invited to got in the way. I was very obviously off at this event, as several of my friends asked if I was okay, but I deflected with the classic 'I'm just tired' move that seems to conveniently make everyone forget that depression exists. I definitely came out of my shell as that BBQ progressed, but I was more than happy when the time finally came to get the fuck out and go home. Hilariously, the host asked if I wanted to go out clubbing with his friends who I'd only just met, my polite response to which did not accurately convey how utterly torturous my anxiety would be and, if I was ever to put myself in a situation like that, it could be considered a form of self-harm.
Despite being back to the more healthy mental state that I've come to enjoy having, I still feel weird about my friend Jake (I called him Jake right?) When he crosses my mind, I get an uncomfortable twinge and then, of course, there are the fantasies. I am a chronic fantasiser, an infliction that I developed to escape being an outcast and have some fun. It sounds innocent but, unfortunately, I the fantasies that are conjured up, completely out of my control I should mention, often serve the purpose of growing my desire for superiority.
I have always created stories, this is why I want to be a writer, but they generally tend to come from a desire I have to be put on a pedestal. The first stories I would come up with were just fantasies in which I was some kind of hero, bravely rescuing all the people at school that didn't like me and earning their love. Nowadays I'm more actively trying to become a writer, so I'm not always in my stories; they're now a combination of the same sort of fantasies that feature me and plots with main characters that are placeholders for me. And, shock and awe, they're always some kind of hero that saves the day.
Bringing this back to Jake, it's important to mention the fantasies my brain conjures up in which this problem is solved. That may sound like a weird sentence, because it is, but it is very common for me to save someone's life with my magical powers in order to restore or create my desired version of the world - a version in which I am on top. And this is what my subconscious has been doing in relation to Jake, I save his life heroically and epically and I return to being the 'superior' one. Pretty gross right? Yeah, I know.
I want to make it clear that I am not proud of the fact that this is the way my mind works, and I want to find a way to fix it. Part of the purpose of this blog is to put my awful feelings into words in the hopes that this will aid in combatting them. The big problem is, I have fought back against being an outcast by fantasising about being the best human who has ever lived for so long, that it has become baked into my personality and that is a very difficult thing to change. But I'm going to do it anyway, I promise.
Despite being back to the more healthy mental state that I've come to enjoy having, I still feel weird about my friend Jake (I called him Jake right?) When he crosses my mind, I get an uncomfortable twinge and then, of course, there are the fantasies. I am a chronic fantasiser, an infliction that I developed to escape being an outcast and have some fun. It sounds innocent but, unfortunately, I the fantasies that are conjured up, completely out of my control I should mention, often serve the purpose of growing my desire for superiority.
I have always created stories, this is why I want to be a writer, but they generally tend to come from a desire I have to be put on a pedestal. The first stories I would come up with were just fantasies in which I was some kind of hero, bravely rescuing all the people at school that didn't like me and earning their love. Nowadays I'm more actively trying to become a writer, so I'm not always in my stories; they're now a combination of the same sort of fantasies that feature me and plots with main characters that are placeholders for me. And, shock and awe, they're always some kind of hero that saves the day.
Bringing this back to Jake, it's important to mention the fantasies my brain conjures up in which this problem is solved. That may sound like a weird sentence, because it is, but it is very common for me to save someone's life with my magical powers in order to restore or create my desired version of the world - a version in which I am on top. And this is what my subconscious has been doing in relation to Jake, I save his life heroically and epically and I return to being the 'superior' one. Pretty gross right? Yeah, I know.
I want to make it clear that I am not proud of the fact that this is the way my mind works, and I want to find a way to fix it. Part of the purpose of this blog is to put my awful feelings into words in the hopes that this will aid in combatting them. The big problem is, I have fought back against being an outcast by fantasising about being the best human who has ever lived for so long, that it has become baked into my personality and that is a very difficult thing to change. But I'm going to do it anyway, I promise.
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