Friend Crush

I have a friend crush on a mate I'm gonna call Makani (it's a real name, google it). Makani is a relatively new friend and we get on really well, he also exemplifies the sort of person I always longed to be friends with in school - the cool kid. I didn't have friends for most of my secondary school career, it was only when I stopped wanting to be one of the popular ones and started talking to the people who weren't, did I realise that they were more my speed. But this desire to be liked by people like that is clearly still within me because when Makani and I started to become really good friends, I started to develop a 'friend crush'.

Now, what is a 'friend crush'? Well, it's not a regular crush because that implies a romantic attraction to the other person, this is not that. My attraction to Makani is solely platonic and I would REALLY like to keep it that way. No, a friend crush is when there is someone you know who you desperately and overwhelmingly want to be your friend.

This is a little strange when you remember the fact that I'm already friends with him, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to interact with him more than I logically should to, I don't know, ensure the friendship continues?

I'm doing an early shift at work today because Makani invited me to his house. This obviously appeased my friend crush very much because he actually invited me to his for a thing he was doing with his friends. However, never willing to have just one unjustified emotion at any point in time, my brain found something else for me to be upset about. I found out a few days ago that two people I've known for a very long time where also invited because they've made friends with him since they're on the same shift. One of them is Jake and the other we'll call Steven.

Surely I should be happy right? Two people I've known for years are friends with someone I met more recently, isn't that nice? Well, like I said, I find too much joy in the fact that I made friends with someone that I would consider a 'cool kid', and the fact that Jake and Steven have also befriended him somehow devalues that in my mind. It's almost like it was an achievement to make friends with him and it seems less so because of the fact that someone else has managed to do the same thing.

This is ridiculous of course. Not only is it gross to treat a friendship as an achievement, but he's a friendly person and not very difficult to get along with. But I felt as though he and I were quite close and got on super well and I liked that, now that my own friends are doing the same, my brain seems to think I should be upset about that.

To add to this, and I honestly don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I think he does consider me quite a close friend, we seem to regularly hang out, just to two of us, he invited me on his lads holiday which was only extended to a few people, he wants me to properly meet his girlfriend like I'm a member of the family and he put a picture of the two of us on his Instagram. Listen to me, I do sound like I have a crush.

He clearly does consider me a close friend, but this fact warps my mind more and makes me crave this idea of being really close to him even more. I think if Jake and Steven start becoming involved in events that show he's as close to them as me, I will spiral into anxiety in an insane way. WHICH I DON'T WANT TO DO BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO BE NORMAL FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE!!!

I am working on it though. Every time I think about him in a crushy sort of way, I change the subject in my mind. This worked for me when I had an actual crush on someone I knew in college. This seems a little more difficult though, probably because I wasn't as close with the college guy and didn't see him as much. But it's going to happen, I want to keep this friendship that I enjoyed before these emotions crashed the party, and I want it to be normal and not bogged down with silly feelings.